10 posts tagged “therapy”
Lightning. Apparently I can't spell the word and rather than pull me aside via phone or email and tell me about my error, Kev called me out publicly. So now I don't just look stupid publicly but I feel dumb and backwoods too. Someday I will learn to spell it without the added e.
My sister is reading Twilight. My mom said she has been taking it to school and reading it. Pip said that her friends don't think she can finish it but I told her to take it a little at a time. Maybe I should have suggested we read a chapter at a time and then talk about it. I am over the moon though that she is trying to read a book like that. I can't wait til she's older and I can have her read City of Bones. Call me a book Nazi for not wanting her to read about incest and homosexuals when she doesn't even know about sex at all. She thinks sex is your gender. She's an innocent babe and I want her to stay like that until she is 80.
D and I started playing World of Warcraft and I made my character, I am a human priestess named Alicante--from the home of the nephilim in The Mortal Instruments. It's a lot of fun. Sometimes really frustrating... like those fucking irate kobolds last night. If D and I hadn't teamed up neither of us would have completed our quest. I wanted a screen cap of my character to post but the realms are down for maintenance until 11:00. Maybe for my next post. The one thing is time really flies when playing. Like really flies. We played last night until midnight. I'm too old for that kind of behavior.
Speaking of WOW the new Guild is up and it is not the best episode. The funniest part is the intro and then the cookies part between Codex and Tink.
I haven't been a fan of James Gunn's Spike internet tv show PG Porn until this week. This week's installment is Roadside Ass-sistance and I thought it was pretty funny. Atleast funnier than the Nathan Fillion one. I find James Gunn to be a funny, a little bit creepy and all out lawless. He goes where men fear to tread. If I paid attention to my Twitter it would behoove me to follow the man.
No post would be complete without me discussing books. First let me say that last week I read all 5 Nightwalker books and only loved the first one. Jacob was awesome. I loved the characters and they showed up in the other 4 books so I was happy about that. I was most excited about Noah and I hated the heroine although I maintained my love for Noah. They were good enough. I would definitely read Jacob again. I don't know about Gideon. And switching gears I finished Demon in my View this morning and I really liked it. I did not like the first Den of Shadows book, In the Forest of the Night but I liked the character of Aubrey. He was unflinchingly evil in the first book and he gets his ass handed to him by a girl but I loved him. He is in the second book and you get to read his perspective and he's a bit softer. I was surprised when I liked it. I immediately grabbed the next book Shattered Mirror to read next. I am also reading The Vampire Academy which I am not enjoying and am determined to finish--if not slowly--for the sake that Belle loves it. I detest the main character. I find her flat out stupid and so abrasive. I think she is supposed to come across as clever but I certainly don't see it. I like two characters Dimitri and Christian. I want Dimitri to hook up with Rose and I've been spoiled and heard that one of her teachers develops feelings for her and it can only be him. I don't see a YA book taking it to where I would like to see with a 25yo and a girl,17. I like Christian and here that Rose is a cunt to him and lies to him about Lissa. Yep, I hate her. Oh, and I like Mason. He's adorable and I like the dynamic between him and Rose. I want to like this book. I want to.
Yesterday in therapy I talked with Dr. Moore about my inability to access more emotions besides anger and fear. I would like to feel sadness. To cry. I would like to feel happiness that isn't hypomania. I would like to feel sublime. My days are marked by an absence of these emotions with blips of high or low energy... with flares of anger or anxiety and I want to create but there is just nothing in me. It's like my soul is dead and my body is just moving around. Dr. Moore said it is probably the meds. She doesn't know how I can access what the meds are suppressing. With the bad things that meds are keeping at bay they took the good stuff too. And the pills aren't even keeping me level. If I told my psychiatrist that he'd increase them again and I want fewer pills not more.
I had therapy yesterday and we talked about something that I am starting to feel terribly bad about and it's not very funny although for a while I was laughing about it. Dr. Moore made me realize how wrong I was to share the thought and now I just don't know how to take off the table. I think I'm going to avoid it and see if it won't go away. She'd be really proud of me taking that route too. Damn, what a mess.
Thursday night D and I are going to the Staples Center to see the Ducks play the Kings. Go Anze and Raitis. I would like to be able to stay up the entire game. We'll have to try it out as a new thing. There is just something embarassing about falling asleep at a sporting event. A year ago I would have been all for the Ducks but then they traded Andy. I have man-loyality. And Teemu and Beauchmin aren't playing. It leaves little to be excited about. Hell, they don't even have Bertuzzi for me to be excited about someone hitting. But it will be a good game. We will have fun.
I don't really hold my early morning against D. It's not his fault that I made plans to see Kev today. Things just metered out in my having to go to work with him. So I'm bright eyed and my tail is more fluffy then bushy, but I'm here. All hail the god of the morning, which ever one may apply. So yes I plan to go to Palm Springs today. I did not bring my camera and my phone is dying. So poor planning on my part. But I will get to meet Ja and maybe see Kev's folks. It'll be a little like having a piece of home here in Cali. And I'll get to see the desert and maybe the Salton Sea.
So on the way in today we started listening to City of Bones. I know, it's unnatural to be so fixated on a book, true? But I am and it is wonderfully wonderful. I have already started noticing a bunch of things that I missed in my initial reading. She's sneaky and puts a bunch of things in the first few chapters that are hints to things later on. I didn't realize Magnus Bane gets a mention in the second chapter. And Jace. Jace, Jace, Jace... he is wicked hot from the first interaction. The things I want to do with this fictional character haven't been realized yet. This book is so damn good. And I don't want to listen to Belle when she tells me that Clary and Jace will never be together. I'd rather hear that Edward and Bella get a divorce.
As for books most recently read... I read the second in the Hathaways books by Lisa Kleypas, called Seduce Me At Sunrise and I loved Merripan more in this book than the first. Win was sort of lost in the telling. Not much happens from her perspective and that was sad. There was a lot from Cam's perspective and that makes sense in light of his connection to Kev. It was a very good book and I am hoping that the third book will be Leo's because in every page he was on he stole your attention. I don't really care about Beatrix or Poppy. I have loved this world Kleypas has made since the Wallflowers books and to see so many of the early characters making appearances is nice.
As for a check in on me. I am feeling okay. I've been dealing with some urges to cut lately and it's distracting as all hell. I haven't given in to these urges but I want to. During therapy this week I agreed to the assignment to write a story in the form of a children's tale. I decided it would be a fairy tale, but I haven't written anything yet. I keep putting it off a day and that doesn't seem to be working for me. Maybe I will start it today when I have time to kill and D's computer to work on. Procrastination be damned.
I've had this problem for a while. I can't seem to write out what is going on inside. I don't know, maybe to me it means I'd make it real if I committed it to writing. I don't think I really understand it. I described it today in therapy as it being akin to rape. Like I was violating myself to talk about these things anywhere outside of therapy. Which is all kind of bullshit, but it doesn't change how it feels. There are things going on.... I wish I could write them out. Maybe a good stream of conscious would clear the air. But at the moment I can't. Repressed and clueless. Everything has been pushed down to the point where I can't shake up the can for fear of colossal failure of all in the vessel. The thing that makes me sad is this journal used to be a safe place to feel things out. I feel so removed from that person I was and I don't think it's a good thing. I am more than movies, tv, music and books, but that is all I can write about. And to prove myself wrong I will turn the rest of this post into those shallow interests, because that is what life has become to me.
This past weekend I went to Susan's and had a sleepover with her and Belle. It was really nice because I got to have alone time with Belle on Saturday and that always means the world to me. If there is one person who gets the nuances and essence of what I feel it's her and touching base makes me feel less alone in the world. Susie got home in the evening and we all had to settle in to our weekend slumber party. We played Life and I of course had to take the term sleepover literally and I was basically asleep by 9:30. But no one was upset by that. The following morning I read until everyone woke up and then we rematched Life. It was a very chill weekend. And Susie is probably one of the sweetest people I know. I am really glad I got to work on my stupid jealousy. I like hanging out with both of them. I still sometimes feel like I am invading something but that is probably my own insecurities and not something they are putting off.
On Sunday I got a phone call from Kev. My boy is in Palm Springs with Janaki and his family and he wanted to know if we could meet up. I am over the freaking moon. I miss him and he's a little bit of home and I want to make it out to see him so it will be like I am touching familiat things again. And to meet Ja too. She has done so much for him. It almost seems like we should have met a million years ago. So D mentioned that maybe he could leave early on Friday and drive us down there. It would be neat too because he's really close to the Salton Sea and I've always wanted to see it. So we will se what happens.
The other big thing for this past weekend was that I picked up my contacts. I am going back to the eye doctor tomorrow with them because I am not seeing with them as well as maybe I should. I do like them and I am having few problems with the actual wearing of them. I have to say that the one problem that I am having that is unacceptable is that I am not seeing clearly to read. That one has to be ironed out. Tomorrow I'll talk to the eye doctor and we will go from there.
I got The Black Dagger Brotherhood; An Insider's Guide the other day and I have been pouring through it. I love it a hundred times more than the Dark-Hunter Companion. I am reading the dossiers right now. I've read Wrath's, Rhage's and Z's, I wish that there were something about the heroines in here but it is pretty testosterone centric. Not that I have a problem with the brotherhood. I did just read the part where she mentions her over all arc; Wrath, Rhage, Zsadist, Butch, Vishous, Phury, Rhevenge, Payne, John Michael and Tohrment. Very interesting. I wish they had introduced Payne early. I would have liked to have a feeling of her and V together. And I don't know if I can get behind a John Micheal story, I wonder if it will be him and Xhex.
I am so ass backwards and behind on reading. I have library books which I've already renewed once. A bunch of books which I have yet to read and then I bought some new romance novels the last few days, the newest Julia Quinn novel and the newest ones of Stephanie Laurens and Lisa Kleypas. As to what I'm reading now... The Insider's Guide, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Vampire Romance Anthology, Masquerade and I keep rereading parts of the Black Dagger books. I am all over and it's in a bad way.
I haven't had a chance to watch SYTYCDC from last week yet. I just finished downloading it like an hour ago. I am anxious to see how it rolls. Maybe D can put aside hockey for it for a little while tonight.
Oh and on the topic of new things. Tonight I'm going to the gym for the first time in months to work out on the bike. I'm not at all excited about it. But I'm going.
I've had the most painful Monday. My reading habit turned evil and consequence was scaring. I was reading a Night World ebook and I kept putting off leaving for therapy. I usually leave at 2pm and it was 3:15 before I started getting my stuff to leave. I forgot my phone. I dropped my keys on the bus and they rolled away. I was reading The Kitchen God's Wife and I missed my bus stop and got dropped off 2 miles away from where I needed to be. No phone to call D. The return bus stop was packed with students from the nearby school. So I walked it, as fast as I could because I was worried I'd be late. I passed every scary homeless person I could and that always makes me really uncomfortable. I finally made it to the office and I was positively exhausted. Lesson learned, don't be such a slave to my obsession or my ass will be stranded in Santa Monica.
A lot was shaken in the Sherrilyn Kenyon world yesterday. She announced the characters and synopsis for Dream Warrior due out in February. I'm totally confused because I thought that was to be Aimee and Fang's story. Who knows. She also announced the cover of the DH manga. I like the red one better but this is okay. It's probably more expressive of bad ass Kyrian. Then last night I got an email from St. Martin's with the excerpt from One Silent Night and I still have my reservations. I'm just not a Stryker fan. Although if it promises Urian then I it's almost a given that I will read it.
I just finished reading the Night World books. I maintain that Ash is my favorrite character with Morgead a close second. It makes me want to go back and read some parts of Jez and Morgead's story again. But the last three stories are way different than the first six. They are all millenium stories about the apocalypse. And to go from James and Poppy's story well it is like a whole different world. And Ash stops showing up after the sixth story too. They don't reference back to anyone other than Rashel and Quinn. The one thing that did get me was reading the summary of Strange Fate which will be the tenth book was that she says seven characters go off to fight the apocalypse and only two come back and that destroys me. There was no one I could say was annoying enough that they could die. Okay Maggie has something like death coming to her but I don't know if it's death. And she wouldn't be sent to fight. She would be home inciting the underdogs to revolt.
I picked up Poison Study by Maria V. Snyder from the library and I plan to start it today. Belle recommends it so I have pretty high hopes for it. I also have to get somewhere in The Kitchen God's Wife today because it's my 20 in 20. I should have picked Jekyl and Hyde. I would be done with it already. But I didn't so I have to suck it up. I think my real problem is this is out of the genre I'm used to reading and it just doesn't hold my attention like other books do. It's not bad, but it's not the elixir for what stirs me. I'm hoping Poison Study will be able to hold my attention.
There were a few interesting Twilight related photos out in the last few days. I like the Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson photostrip the most. I think Rob's face looks too angular in the new poster. There are a lot of articles coming out in the coming weeks and I guess that is to be expected with the movie release being about six weeks away. I kind of thought there would be a bigger push. It doesn't really seem to
This Wednesday is the So You Think You Can Dance show. I am excited but somehow nervous about it. I don't know what is bothering me about it exactly. I hope that Matt and Kourtni will be touring with them. And I want to see Gev and Courtny again. It should be fun. So what's my problem? I don't know. But after the show, Belle, Susan, their friend April, D and I will be going to the 101 for a really late dinner. So I'll have a double dose of the girls this week. Wait if we include my birthday party this weekend it will be a triple dose. They will be really sick of me by then. Heather will shoot herself in the head from me asking if she's read City of Bones a hundred times. It will be to the point where they will cancel on Monday for Friday.
I have spent the last few days reading L.J. Smith books. Starting with the Secret Circle books, which give me the title of this post. I'm very confused about these books because some parts are just plain silly but I think my small mind found it all compelling anyway. And I thought the end was way too pat but I reread it three or four times... what does that have to say? And I thought Cassie was really undeserving in the middle book, The Captive. Then I found ebooks of the rest of the Night World books so I've read Dark Angel, Chosen and Soulmate too. I still have three more of those to read and I'm so on the fence as to whether I will buy the Night World omnibuses. Although I do like being able to flip through pages which I can't do with an ebook. I also have her Forbidden Game books in ebook and two others. Sadly not her Dark Visions which I actually am pretty interested in. That came out wrong. I mean that as more so than the others.
On to other books, in my ebook frenzy the other night I found a bunch of Charles de Lint titles, Anne Bishop's Black Jewels, Dark Jewels and Tir Alainn, Christine Warren's The Others books, some Nicholas Sparks stuff, some Maggie Shayne and some Tamora Pierce. I don't think it was what I was looking for from Tamora Pierce but thems the breaks. I also bought a new book at Border's yesterday which was The Hunter's Moon by O. R. Melling which is a Chronicles of Faerie book. It looks really interesting if I can stand to read something that doesn't have a romantic edge to it. We will see. And D finally finished reading the Mortal Instruments books and he thinks I'm ridiculous. (spoilers upcoming) He says there is no way that she would write a love story through the first two books that would end in the second before the story is over. And he things that there is a twist coming up that will exonerate Clary and Jace. I hope that that's true. He also said that he considers the three main characters to be Jace, Clary and Valentine which I guess is true but I hadn't thought of it like that before. And his reasons were Clary for what's obvious, Jace because there is no shadowhunter world for Clary without him. And Valentine because he's the glue that binds Jace and Clary's story. And I am not talking about the love story as that came as a result of them finding each other. The world and the binding were already there. *Sigh* It's such a good story and I am going to read it again this week now that D is done. But before that I will finish the Night World stories and my 20 in 20 book, The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan.
Yesterday was D's birthday, he turned 27, and a bunch of us went to play putt putt at the Putting Edge near Marina del Rey. It was a scary place, all in black light with glow in the dark paint and neon balls. We even got bracelets to signify that we were playing golf. It was an unusual experience at that. Of course we got to be in front of someone rude and I snapped and cussed the guy out and threw a ball at his kids head. It was seriously not my best moment and I have been having major regret pangs ever since. I still wish the whole family death but I wish I could have done it cooly and calmly. I think I ruined it for Susie and that really bothers me. After that we all went out to eat at Lares. It was Aaron, Mario and Yanna, Paul and Amanda, Susie, Belle, D and me. We had a nice time and I even had two pieces of quesadilla for D. Of course I explained to him that that was a special birthday thing and no more solid foods from now on. The service wasn't the best at Lares though and I don't know if we will go back again anytime soon. Well maybe D will go there for lunch but not me and him. It was good seeing Aaron and Mario though. I talked to both about seeing them more often. It sounds as if we will maybe do a couple weekend visits down the 405.
Tomorrow is Monday again and I will have therapy. I atleast have this weekends birthday thing to show that I'm socializing. Oh and D talked to Erin about going to Fairbanks for Thanksgiving. I am very excited about that. So I will be able to talk about that and my upcoming visit to see Dr. Scott on Wednesday. I can also tell her that I will be out with friends this Wednesday night when we go to the So You Think You Can Dance tour and the Friday out with the girls. I'm doing better. I'm in a much better place this week than I was in last week.
Today is a therapy day and I am listening to my playlist and I should be getting ready. I'm going to be late but since I don't think I'm going to eat today it shouldn't be a problem. Although the bus will still be ugly. I have a few things to talk about. The main one is this general back slide I'm doing. D has even taken notice of it. I mean I'm not doing bad. Just all the sudden I've started losing ground. No more progress. Maybe that is natural. We can't always move forward. Only sharks keep moving and I'm more of feline. And with that I should really be going.
I got to discuss Twilight in therapy today. We talked about what I'm drawn to and what I relate to in the stories. I felt a little ridiculous explaining that there were vampires and werewolves and mind readers and psychics. I tried to explain New Moon and I think I got carried away. But it was good. I know some of the reasons why I am so wrapped up in it. And then when I went to the gym I listened to the audiobook of Twilight while I rode the bike for 13 miles. That is 40 minutes in case you were wondering, and I still am in chapter 1.
When I got home tonight, after I studied for my test, I checked my Google Reader and found that MTV already posted their Twilight Tuesday article. I love the video below. It would be that he doesn't want kids when I am already married. *sigh* Can I have a multiple marriage? I could suck at being a wife to two guys at one time. The beginning is Catherine Hardwicke talking about the music for the soundtrack and then Ashley Greene talking about her hair before it gets to Rob.
Jason is going to read Twilight with me and we are going to actually discuss the reading. I am looking forward to this. It is like seeing the book for the first time all over again. It will be a challenge for me to not spoil things. I know the significance of small comments. I will have to curb the urge to point them out. The book really is better the more you read it. You can, and I guess to some extent are supposed to miss the signs and little things the first time. You are just as clueless as Bella. So in the first reading when Bella enters Biology and Edward is looking at her with hateful eyes, you just miss the importance of the fact that she notes that he isn't moving as if he weren't even breathing. You miss the amused chuckle when Bella asks Edward how is night was--not knowing he spent it watching her. I love the book even better having had the second read. Everyone should have to read it twice... or at least listen to the audiobook after.
I feel like I'm not being grateful. I got the interviews and these articles and Greetings From Twilight is up and yet I keep wondering what new Twilight news will be there tomorrow. I know that not everyday is going to be choc-a-block with new things. And if I am to actually pass my exam on Wednesday then I need to refocus for a little while. It's just so rewarding to get something and let's be honest... it's nice to be rewarded. But maybe with fewer postings of Twilight related things I will start Voxing about life more and fantasy less. But I do love my escape. A LOT.
I just finished watching Heroes. My opinion is that it was good. I was clapping and 'oh'-ing and pretty much 'oh my god'ing through out. The two characters that they advertised as dying were a surprise to me. Le sigh.
Today was a therapy day. Dr. Moore thinks that I have an overabundance of flawed thinking with a side of some magical too. We talked about my Grandpa Henry dying and my Grandmother having Small Cell Lung Cancer. How I don't want my kitties to ever die. Then we discussed my desire to push the world away and not deal. She thinks that is not conducive to learning to manage my life.
I did give her my photos for the week. The theme last week was Ugly/Beautiful and I didn't try too hard with it but she seemed happy regardless. I tried to upload them here but it kept giving me an error.
David and I have most of our Christmas shopping done for the family and I got him two gifts tonight. We keep getting Amazon packages and I'm never sure if it's something we ordered or something ordered for us. One package came today with unwrapped things and we were spoiled for one item. We taped the box up and wrapped the entire thing up and put it under the tree.
Today has been interesting. It would seem that the wildfires have soothed my inner ennui. Yes, it takes a natural disaster but it can be lulled. I watched about 3 hours of news coverage this afternoon. I was enthralled, mesmerized by the destruction.
After that I had therapy. I talked about my fear of new pills, my concerns about feeling so little inspiration and direction and what first had me hospitalized in August. I love therapy. It's so comforting. And her insight and suggestions are so helpful. We talked about my extreme fear of death and my tendency to self injure. She suggested the fear is so strong because the tendency is toward flirting with destruction. I don't know if it is true but it gives me something to think on.
