7 posts tagged “home”
First I will say that I find that David's online name, Mand, falls easily from my tongue and I may use it a time or two in
The photos below are of the bedroom, stairs (yeah yeah it's dark... there is no electric in the apartment yet), kitchen, dining room and living room. The bedroom will be painted blue and the accent in the livingroom will be a slate I think. Maybe... well I don't know. We will see.
Two months ago I made a trip home and I took a bunch of pictures and then I never took them off the camera. Why? Well because ---->me<---- = lazy. But it is done and without further ado....
I love my sister and one of the first things I did was go home to my parents house to hang out with her. She is a bit of good ball. Atleast she wasn't making faces in this picture. Leaving in LA now makes me appreciate more
I made sure to go home for the 4th of July because my family has always done the 4th together. I don't really feel like they do much else together but this is like a special time. I almost feel like I am a part of a family then and that is something since all the rest of the time I feel quite removed from them. We went to a ball game to have it be rained out and then diverted to Roamingwood. It was a tiny private lake in the Hideout. I was
Philadelphia is a 2 hour drive on the turnpike and my sister has never really been so David and I packed her in (and I promptly fell asleep because I could not do EST hours) and took her to her first trip to Philly. Baby lemurs awaited us.
So to do a quick catch up... I play WoW still... A LOT!!!! Most days for atleast 12 hours. We have up to the General done in 10 man Ulduar, Lord Jarraxus in 10 and 25 man ToC.... No 25 man Maly:(. We have Kolo downed in 25 Uld but no IC and Auriaya handed us our asses last night. Mand and I started new toons. Two Draeni, a hunter and shaman. I like the shaman but it isn't Ali and I don't think I want to give up on Ali. I bought a mount on ebay the other day... it hasn't arrived yet. I hope the guy wasn't a fraud because it was expensive. I promised Mand that I would ride it instead of my kitty. I won't disappoint him.:)
I started a Blaze book today. I haven't read any in weeks and I figured it would be good to recalibrate with something of normal contemporary romance. Of course what I piced is a time travel story, but, hey. I think I will get a little feeling of accomplishment from working on the Blaze pile at all. Although I was just remembered that I would like to read Wondrous Strange as soon as possible so I will have to rush through this.
There are times when I become very aware that I don't have feelings or passions anymore, with the exception of reading which is more of a desperation. I desperately want to have some guiding inclination. Something that makes me feel like something other than a shell. I haven't cried since I was in the hospital. I just have no sense of poignancy at all. I want something to matter rather than all these silly obsessive/compulsive rituals. I don't even know where they are rooted in. Dr. Moore says it's anxiety, but most days I can't even work up to anxiety. My prevailing feelings are ones of tiredness and energy. But I want to feel like things have weight. Like I love things. Like I have love for things in this world beyond books and a hand bag. Don't get me wrong, my hand bag rocks but it's a limit to my adoration for the world, whereas I want a limitless feeling. I want to touch the world again and not feel as if it is a lifetime away. I think it's why I am so attached to Twilight because I feel so strongly about it. I love it and it almost feels real.
Speaking of which, we are going to take my Twilight poster to get framed this week. Then it will be hung in my bedroom above my bed. I still have two extra big posters. I don't know what I might do with them. They all have the old release date on them too. So they will be worth something when the new posters come out. I'm greedy because I want one of them too. I don't think it's too much to ask... one of each... even if I don't have the room to frame and hang them both. Maybe I could just get another 11"x17" with the new date on it.
Today is an inspired entry, 20 things that are good, just to remind myself that not everything sucks. So here I go in no special order.
1. Kitties. They are always good. I think mine are better than yours but kittycat people around the world should gather for the biggest cuddlefest in the known universe.
2. Angel: After the Fall. I like it much better than Season 4 Angel and almost as much as Season 5. It maintains the characterization from the TV show while pushing the limits of the Buffy/Angel-verses. I have to say that it's much better than the Buffy comics which just went places because they no longer had to deal with the limitations of the known budget and believability. 50 ft. Dawn and Lesbian Buffy, my ass.
3. BOOKS. Where do I start. I feel like my time on earth screws with my ability to read as much as I possibly could. There are too many good books. So hard to imagine a world without them. I think they are so much better than food and air. Books are true necessities.
4. Awake is the New Sleep by Ben Lee. I love this CD. I could listen to it on repeat for hours or not listen to it for a month and it always gives me the same warm and tinglies no matter what. I just don't get how Ben Lee can be so amazing and still be a mere mortal.
5. Lentil Loaf or Rice Loaf. The one thing I really miss about not eating meat is meatloaf. Lentil/rice loaf is a pretty good substitute. I wish I had it more often.
6. Diet Snapple. I'm a big fan of the Peach, Lemon and Raspberry and haven't tried the Plumagranite. Is that what it's called. Now I embarrassed myself not knowing the name of it.
7. The Gap. I am a Gap girl. I love it. I wish that the workers weren't such nazis but I can handle my own, sort of. Fall. Into. The. Gap.
8. Tide pools/Sea stars. I could spend all day at the ocean looking for sea life at the tide pools. There are days when I count how many sea stars we can find... the most was 14. I wish I could find the picture Aaron took with me and the giant sea star in Carpinteria.
9. 300. I don't know exactly what I love about this movie but I do, sincerely, love something about it. I know the humor is a bit stick to your ribs but it makes me giggle everytime. Gerard Butler is fantastic and it has Michael Fassbender in it and I think there is something about him. I loved him in Hex too.
11. Raspberries. I like to eat them out of the container, with little to no ceremony. An entire 6 oz plastic tray is barely enough for me. I also get raspberry iced teas from Iso: Fusion Cafe and it is made from syrup of raspberries. Mmmmmm.
13. Spoons. No one could have too many. Spoons are glorious. The only things that compete with them are straws. Spoons rock.
15. Barnes and Noble/Borders/Amazon. This sort of leads us back into number 3, but these are places not things. These three places are akin to Mecca. I just wish that they were more giving with their pricing of things. I guess they try with all the coupons and discounts, but books shouldn't be so expensive. Don't anyone bring up libraries... it's like prostitution for books. I like them being mine and mine alone.
18. Fountains and waterfalls. Maybe it's just water or could be the facade of happy waters. I do like rivers and oceans too. I am constantly taking pictures of water. Just today I took a pair of photos for my assignment from Dr. Moore, of a fountain.< Worst construction of a sentence commited in a long, long, long time.
19. Root beer. I know it is points damning but I love knee high bottles of Route 66, Sioux City, Boylan's, etc... I love Galco and I could spend hundreds of dollars there in no time.
20. Volvo commercial with the terribly adorable chatterbox little girl. I love her to death. If I were guaranteed to to have one just like her, I might explore other options.
I hesitate to write here. Things are just better held in these days. I am reticent to convey my thoughts and find myself avoiding calls, conversations and interaction. So I'm like a shaken bottle of soda water and the slightest thing sets me off.
David, in an attempt to get me to read less, took me out the last two nights. We saw the Ducks and Kings last night and tonight we went to the Grove to see Beowulf. I had a good time even if the Ducks played the most trivial first period. Tomorrow we are going to Crystal's birthday party. We haven't seen here in literally years. I think the wedding was the last time I even talked to her. It will be good to see her again.
Last night a friend from home got in touch with me. We touched basis and it was nice to hear from him again. Sort of like going back in time. He wasn't surprised to hear that I'd been diagnosed with bipolar. He said he could have told me that back when he was in ninth grade. I found myself feeling a little homesick. But not for home as it is now but for home when Chris and I would go bowling or play hockey. Back when we drank too much and things were so new. I feel like it was another lifetime. It's something that makes me feel very sad about where I am today.
Heather was over yesterday. I love the girl incredibly. We talked a lot about the future and feelings. She is so smart about how I react to things. She understands me very well. I am unbelievably lucky.
I'm still reading A Spot of Bother. I would be done with it by now were it not for the fact that I only read it on the bus or while waiting for doctor's appointments. I am liking it now. I think I will finish it this week and then D can read it and I can start The Mists of Avalon. Maybe I'll sneak Gilgamesh into the middle of those.
It's been weeks and weeks. I've felt less and less like I have much to share. Some would call it flattening I think. Life just doesn't have much to interest me. The Lithium is making things level, but without my zest things feel less magical. More mundane. This is why people stop taking their meds and I understand it. Not that I'm planning to stop meds. That would just be stupid.
But things >HAVE< been happening. I have had the drama of side effects. Going to a great therapist. Tried EA and decided it wasn't for me. Had Nielle visit for nearly a week. Had a fantastic birthday gathering. Got a gym membership and I've been going. Things have continued to occur even when I wasn't writing about them.
So what is going on? Besides my leveling out... My grandmother is dying of cancer and she's worn out her nine lives. This time her 6 months is exactly that. We spend an hour every week or so talking on the phone and reacquainting so that we will really know one another when she passes. It's sad. But its become more and more apparent to me that life is a series of deaths that eventually ends with your own. This is just part of the process.
She's asked me to mend fences with my father. We haven't really spoken in years. I don't know if I want to. My grandmother has told me that she would like our reconciliation before she dies and I don't know if not wanting to is reason not to do so. I need to work on it. Life is disappointing people, but I don't know if this one time I should use that excuse.
My mother sold my childhood home. It's not something I am having the easiest time with. It's my last link with my maternal grandmother and where we lived together. Losing it is like losing her all over again. It brings up all sorts of feelings in me.
This last week I've felt out of sorts. I wasn't sure if I was depressed or just lazy. I don't have the energy level I think that I should. Life is moving so slow. Things seem bland. Food doesn't even taste as good. Maybe not good... just different. I find myself not keeping up with the things I need to. I feel dull, fat, ugly and old. If only the gym really changed all of those. And as a punchline, food is my only comfort.
So those are some of the things I'm dealing with. Or more correctly grammatically speaking; with which I am dealing.
Oh and hockey, while not as exciting as last year is here and gives me plenty of reason to escape the monotony of things.
