24 posts tagged “feelings”
So it's been a while and it keeps slipping my mind to make mention of it but... I guess they offered Dakota Fanning the part of Jane in New Moon and I love the girl so all the more power to them getting her. I would like Taylor Lautner to grow a foot as well. Which one is more likely?
I'm almost done with City of Ashes at the gym. My theory of the week is that Simon lived through the sun coming up because he had Jace's blood in him and Jace is, as Valentine is the first to admit, altered. Only 53 more days until City of Glass. I can't wait. You can't begin to understand what a fiend I am for The Mortal Instruments. I love Jace to pieces. Oh I got too excited thinking about it. I want to jump up and down. If I could take only 3 books with me to the moon it would be these three. And I beat myself a bit because I bought the book, City of Bones, and didn't read it for two months. I could have fell in love that much sooner. Wasted time reading other books. When these are my soul mates. Speaking of soul mates. I realize that I owe Belle an apology. I finished The Vampire Academy and I didn't hate it. Once the school makes Rose cry I liked the book much more. And I do ship Rose and Dimitri even though I think I got spoiled for his fate and if it is so then I will go back to not liking the series much. I liked Christian and Mason right up to
So as I sit here, post finished, listening to Taking Back Sunday, I feel unable to close it out and have that be all. I've been feeling, and being more vocal, about this ever growing feeling of disenchantment with my life. I miss writing. It just feels like words are utilitarian now--they've lost their ability to mean deeper things. I'm feeling more detached. Distance seems to be growing between me and friends. The world is leached of real joy and in it's place is all these black and white things. Objects really, nothing personified. It makes me feel like hiding more behind things I can lose myself in, just so I can forget how little of life I live. And there is only one or two people that I can talk to because of these chasms that have leapt up where once I had faith in friends. They are just strangers who spend their lives in other worlds that don't even rub up against mine. I'm not even lonely really, I'm just utterly alone. No feelings but anger and fear, no dreams past reading books, nothing can make me happy. I don't see why people like me even exist. We find life support so we don't die but we don't have anything to live for. No future. It seems pathetic.
Lightning. Apparently I can't spell the word and rather than pull me aside via phone or email and tell me about my error, Kev called me out publicly. So now I don't just look stupid publicly but I feel dumb and backwoods too. Someday I will learn to spell it without the added e.
My sister is reading Twilight. My mom said she has been taking it to school and reading it. Pip said that her friends don't think she can finish it but I told her to take it a little at a time. Maybe I should have suggested we read a chapter at a time and then talk about it. I am over the moon though that she is trying to read a book like that. I can't wait til she's older and I can have her read City of Bones. Call me a book Nazi for not wanting her to read about incest and homosexuals when she doesn't even know about sex at all. She thinks sex is your gender. She's an innocent babe and I want her to stay like that until she is 80.
D and I started playing World of Warcraft and I made my character, I am a human priestess named Alicante--from the home of the nephilim in The Mortal Instruments. It's a lot of fun. Sometimes really frustrating... like those fucking irate kobolds last night. If D and I hadn't teamed up neither of us would have completed our quest. I wanted a screen cap of my character to post but the realms are down for maintenance until 11:00. Maybe for my next post. The one thing is time really flies when playing. Like really flies. We played last night until midnight. I'm too old for that kind of behavior.
Speaking of WOW the new Guild is up and it is not the best episode. The funniest part is the intro and then the cookies part between Codex and Tink.
I haven't been a fan of James Gunn's Spike internet tv show PG Porn until this week. This week's installment is Roadside Ass-sistance and I thought it was pretty funny. Atleast funnier than the Nathan Fillion one. I find James Gunn to be a funny, a little bit creepy and all out lawless. He goes where men fear to tread. If I paid attention to my Twitter it would behoove me to follow the man.
No post would be complete without me discussing books. First let me say that last week I read all 5 Nightwalker books and only loved the first one. Jacob was awesome. I loved the characters and they showed up in the other 4 books so I was happy about that. I was most excited about Noah and I hated the heroine although I maintained my love for Noah. They were good enough. I would definitely read Jacob again. I don't know about Gideon. And switching gears I finished Demon in my View this morning and I really liked it. I did not like the first Den of Shadows book, In the Forest of the Night but I liked the character of Aubrey. He was unflinchingly evil in the first book and he gets his ass handed to him by a girl but I loved him. He is in the second book and you get to read his perspective and he's a bit softer. I was surprised when I liked it. I immediately grabbed the next book Shattered Mirror to read next. I am also reading The Vampire Academy which I am not enjoying and am determined to finish--if not slowly--for the sake that Belle loves it. I detest the main character. I find her flat out stupid and so abrasive. I think she is supposed to come across as clever but I certainly don't see it. I like two characters Dimitri and Christian. I want Dimitri to hook up with Rose and I've been spoiled and heard that one of her teachers develops feelings for her and it can only be him. I don't see a YA book taking it to where I would like to see with a 25yo and a girl,17. I like Christian and here that Rose is a cunt to him and lies to him about Lissa. Yep, I hate her. Oh, and I like Mason. He's adorable and I like the dynamic between him and Rose. I want to like this book. I want to.
Yesterday in therapy I talked with Dr. Moore about my inability to access more emotions besides anger and fear. I would like to feel sadness. To cry. I would like to feel happiness that isn't hypomania. I would like to feel sublime. My days are marked by an absence of these emotions with blips of high or low energy... with flares of anger or anxiety and I want to create but there is just nothing in me. It's like my soul is dead and my body is just moving around. Dr. Moore said it is probably the meds. She doesn't know how I can access what the meds are suppressing. With the bad things that meds are keeping at bay they took the good stuff too. And the pills aren't even keeping me level. If I told my psychiatrist that he'd increase them again and I want fewer pills not more.
I started a Blaze book today. I haven't read any in weeks and I figured it would be good to recalibrate with something of normal contemporary romance. Of course what I piced is a time travel story, but, hey. I think I will get a little feeling of accomplishment from working on the Blaze pile at all. Although I was just remembered that I would like to read Wondrous Strange as soon as possible so I will have to rush through this.
There are times when I become very aware that I don't have feelings or passions anymore, with the exception of reading which is more of a desperation. I desperately want to have some guiding inclination. Something that makes me feel like something other than a shell. I haven't cried since I was in the hospital. I just have no sense of poignancy at all. I want something to matter rather than all these silly obsessive/compulsive rituals. I don't even know where they are rooted in. Dr. Moore says it's anxiety, but most days I can't even work up to anxiety. My prevailing feelings are ones of tiredness and energy. But I want to feel like things have weight. Like I love things. Like I have love for things in this world beyond books and a hand bag. Don't get me wrong, my hand bag rocks but it's a limit to my adoration for the world, whereas I want a limitless feeling. I want to touch the world again and not feel as if it is a lifetime away. I think it's why I am so attached to Twilight because I feel so strongly about it. I love it and it almost feels real.
You know that feeling when you have just feasted and you still want more? I'm living that feeling. I finished Faefever this morning and I crave the next book. The ending of this one is so fucked up and twisted that I need to know how to come back from it. It will be 8 months before the next book comes back out. A long 8 months. I think that I will reread the fever books just a couple of times. I love Barrons and I could live in the world to be near him. I do wonder what his reaction to what Mac does. It won't be pretty. I wonder how you cure pri-ya. And V'lane... where was he when the princes appeared? Yes. I have found another series to love.
Next week the new Morganville book comes out. I am eager for it because I want to know what happens with the group once they are split up. Shane is sent out by Amelie on a suicide mission. Claire and Amelie are off to find Myrnin. Eve with Oliver, and that has to be an ugly pairing. And Michael off to the campus to reduce people in the neighborhoods. Morganville up in flames. No bloodmobile for the vamps. It is going to be a tense read. I can't wait.
I've been feeling a bit off center for a while. Like I'm cycling my mood is normal but my energy is up. I feel elevated. I've started taking more neurontin to help me sleep. I don't think it works. My sleep is all over the place. I need to call Dr. Scott and get an appointment to adjust my meds. I worry that if I don't things will get worse.
I've had this problem for a while. I can't seem to write out what is going on inside. I don't know, maybe to me it means I'd make it real if I committed it to writing. I don't think I really understand it. I described it today in therapy as it being akin to rape. Like I was violating myself to talk about these things anywhere outside of therapy. Which is all kind of bullshit, but it doesn't change how it feels. There are things going on.... I wish I could write them out. Maybe a good stream of conscious would clear the air. But at the moment I can't. Repressed and clueless. Everything has been pushed down to the point where I can't shake up the can for fear of colossal failure of all in the vessel. The thing that makes me sad is this journal used to be a safe place to feel things out. I feel so removed from that person I was and I don't think it's a good thing. I am more than movies, tv, music and books, but that is all I can write about. And to prove myself wrong I will turn the rest of this post into those shallow interests, because that is what life has become to me.
This past weekend I went to Susan's and had a sleepover with her and Belle. It was really nice because I got to have alone time with Belle on Saturday and that always means the world to me. If there is one person who gets the nuances and essence of what I feel it's her and touching base makes me feel less alone in the world. Susie got home in the evening and we all had to settle in to our weekend slumber party. We played Life and I of course had to take the term sleepover literally and I was basically asleep by 9:30. But no one was upset by that. The following morning I read until everyone woke up and then we rematched Life. It was a very chill weekend. And Susie is probably one of the sweetest people I know. I am really glad I got to work on my stupid jealousy. I like hanging out with both of them. I still sometimes feel like I am invading something but that is probably my own insecurities and not something they are putting off.
On Sunday I got a phone call from Kev. My boy is in Palm Springs with Janaki and his family and he wanted to know if we could meet up. I am over the freaking moon. I miss him and he's a little bit of home and I want to make it out to see him so it will be like I am touching familiat things again. And to meet Ja too. She has done so much for him. It almost seems like we should have met a million years ago. So D mentioned that maybe he could leave early on Friday and drive us down there. It would be neat too because he's really close to the Salton Sea and I've always wanted to see it. So we will se what happens.
The other big thing for this past weekend was that I picked up my contacts. I am going back to the eye doctor tomorrow with them because I am not seeing with them as well as maybe I should. I do like them and I am having few problems with the actual wearing of them. I have to say that the one problem that I am having that is unacceptable is that I am not seeing clearly to read. That one has to be ironed out. Tomorrow I'll talk to the eye doctor and we will go from there.
I got The Black Dagger Brotherhood; An Insider's Guide the other day and I have been pouring through it. I love it a hundred times more than the Dark-Hunter Companion. I am reading the dossiers right now. I've read Wrath's, Rhage's and Z's, I wish that there were something about the heroines in here but it is pretty testosterone centric. Not that I have a problem with the brotherhood. I did just read the part where she mentions her over all arc; Wrath, Rhage, Zsadist, Butch, Vishous, Phury, Rhevenge, Payne, John Michael and Tohrment. Very interesting. I wish they had introduced Payne early. I would have liked to have a feeling of her and V together. And I don't know if I can get behind a John Micheal story, I wonder if it will be him and Xhex.
I am so ass backwards and behind on reading. I have library books which I've already renewed once. A bunch of books which I have yet to read and then I bought some new romance novels the last few days, the newest Julia Quinn novel and the newest ones of Stephanie Laurens and Lisa Kleypas. As to what I'm reading now... The Insider's Guide, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Vampire Romance Anthology, Masquerade and I keep rereading parts of the Black Dagger books. I am all over and it's in a bad way.
I haven't had a chance to watch SYTYCDC from last week yet. I just finished downloading it like an hour ago. I am anxious to see how it rolls. Maybe D can put aside hockey for it for a little while tonight.
Oh and on the topic of new things. Tonight I'm going to the gym for the first time in months to work out on the bike. I'm not at all excited about it. But I'm going.
So today has been mad interesting. I don't talk often about my family on here and it's because it is just not a situation I like to advertise. I love my family but they are frustrating and they make me wonder how I have survived them this long. I'm not talking about the family I have with D but rather where I came from. My roots, if you will.
Today I called home and talked to my mom for a while and she didn't do the thing she usually does to me where she doesn't listen to a thing I say and then starts conversations about random trivially shit that just drives me crazy. We actually had a conversation. It was really nice. But then I talked to my sister and that changed everything.
My sister is 12 and she is rather tight-lipped. She isn't a big communicator. I don't think she understands much of how she feels about anything or what makes any of those feelings come to life. I love her more than anything and I want really desperately for her life to be something. I asked her today if she was happy and she told me that no, she's not happy at all. She didn't know how to change it and my suggestion of reading and journaling was met with disagreement. Apparently the kid hates to read. (I don't know how we can be related if that is true.) I remember how lonely it is to grow up where she is. We live in a pretty unpopulated area. I say 'we' like I still live there. The place is just really empty and she spends almost all her time with adults, much like I did. It's just short of hell for a young person and I just don't have any answers for her. I would buy or give her anything she wanted to make it better but not even she knows what that might be. It all frustrates and saddens me. She has at least 6 more years of this and she doesn't have the escape of books to make it bearable. I don't know what to do.
On to other less depressing things. I changed my banner again. I love the picture here and I also made a iPhone desktop of it too. So now I hope to see the picture everywhere I look and maybe I can make myself sick of it.
As for tomorrow night... I will be attending the Red Carpet Premiere of Step Brothers in Westwood with D, Susan and Belle. We got the passes while in line at the So You Think You Can Dance taping last Thursday. The movie trailer tickles me something awful so I am really looking forward to it.
You know those days that just leave you feeling like you are on the chopping block? Today was one of them. I didn't know the international language for small talk, I laughed inappropriately at things that weren't funny and just generally felt out of place. Today felt very out of sorts. As I write this I am in bed and feel like it's the first correct situation of the day. Thank the gods for bed.
Today I saw two movies, Jumper, from Netflix, and Get Smart in the theater. I didn't hate Jumper and to it's credit it seemed to fly right by. I think Jamie Bell played my favorite character. I'm not a Hayden Christensen fan. I generally like his movies more when his character dies at the end. I know, my bad. Rachel Bilson didn't do much for me either way. She just didn't move me. I didn't feel it, like it was a soulless performance. Just there to collect the check. All in all, I am happy I didn't pay $14.00 to see it in the theater.
As for Get Smart... it was rather predictable. Wind up Steve Carell and let him do his schtick. Personally, I am bored with his character. I'd like for him to branch out to something else. Leave Michael on The Office set. But looking passed that Anne Hathaway was pretty good with her brand of physical comedy and Dwayne Johnson stole a lot of the scenes he was in. I would like to mention Masi Oka was adorable. I am still holding over from Heroes. I hope he gets more recognition and lands even bigger roles in blockbuster movies. I am a Masi Oka fan.
After we watched the movie, we went to Pinkberry. Neither Connie nor myself had ever tried it before. I know we are woefully behind the times. I thoroughly enjoyed mine which I had with kiwi and raspberries. I wanted seconds and that was not a good idea. I had already blown my WW points for the day in the theater when I ate a box of Junior Mints. I have been really bad with my points the last few days. Bad, bad me.
It's supposed to be rather warm the next few days. Today was in the nineties and tomorrow should reach well into the hundreds. We haven't made any plans of yet... knowing that I sleep the day away leaves it to be even harder to plan for things. I am sure we won't want to spend the entire day in the apartment. We will have to see where the day takes us.
I am a creature of habit and those habits sometimes are bad. I picked up a book to read today and because it's a romance, I've been self loathing all day. I am talking myself up to admitting it on my Facebook, but I feel so shameful when I read romances. Like it makes me a second class citizen. It's not enough that I read, I feel I should always read more substantial things then I do. I can never read something for the fun of it without this self ridicule. It's such a little thing but it drives me crazy. No one cares what I read. I shouldn't let such things bring me down. Right? *sigh*
Tonight was a movie night and I saw two movies, The Happening and The Incredible Hulk. I had really low expectations for The Happening and that turned out to work in my favor. The last M. Night Shyamalan movie that I liked was Signs and since then he has failed me, but not so much tonight. I really liked Mark Wahlberg, I think he made the movie. Zooey Deschanel was rather one note and I got over her making faces in the first scene and the rest sort of sat on me wrong. I liked the story as much as I could as I found it to be a little monotonous, like Zooey, I kept wanting a climax or a twist and this movie doesn't have one. The one thing with impact is the death scenes. Gruesome and some are sheer nightmare-esque. Some of the cinematography is impressive but they didn't take it far enough to really wow. But I wouldn't have minded reading the book, if this had been one, which it's not, but that is one of the better compliments that I could pay a story.
I have nicer things to say about The Incredible Hulk. I really enjoyed this movie. I loved Ed Norton as Bruce Banner. I don't care if people think he's pretentious, I will go out of my way to see him in a movie anytime. I liked the storyline and the locations were nicely done. I think that William Hurt played the asshole military guy perfectly. Tim Roth was exceptional, if not a little overtly near naked. I don't mind that from Edward but on Tim it didn't fit as well. He looks as if he has the world's shortest neck, it weirds me out. He needs to keep his clothes on. Back to the point... Liv Tyler, who cries so very prettily, did a good job as Betty Ross. I thought she acted very well and she had excellent chemistry with Edward Norton. The one almost love scene is just hot even though it fizzles out into comedy. I loved the Tony Stark cameo and the wrap up that opens The Avengers movie. I am really looking forward to it, I just hope that they will be able to keep all these big name actors, Robert Downey Jr. and Edward Norton on the bill. Actors sometimes get temperamental with these multimovie deals. The one thing I did not like was the CGI... it was really cheesy and the monsters were ugly. I like my comic book movies to look a little less like they are comics and more like the effects are natural. But it made me excited for Iron Man 2 and The Avengers so I consider it a success.
Tonight was also the last episode of Battlestar before their haitus. I am not a fan of the final four storyline... I find it tedious and convoluted. I got my hopes up when Lee was going to offer cylons some airlock love because it would have ended that arc and made me a happier fan. I do love Deanna, no matter how hardassed she is. I love that she came back and took charge of the cylons. I just wish she had airlocked the president. I find that a lot of the characters that I used to like have been polluted in the last season. It makes me sad because the only 4 characters I really can say that I've liked no matter what are Lee, Kara, Helo and Sharon. And to be honest there isn't enough of them on the show lately. I want more than I've been getting. And tonight... Kara figures out that the viper has the navs to Earth and when everyone is celebrating, they only show a brief second of her. Augh... Someone should have been thanking her, congratulating her. I did think the punchline was good though. I love what they find on earth. Ba-dum-bum.
Oh, I forgot to mention it on here last night but I am so happy that I
have completed a little goal I had for myself. Kelmett-Happens is
having a bear drive for the LA Children's Hospital and yesterday I
finally went out and bought 4 bears to donate. The bears will be donated in the name of Kellan Lutz. And for the 'why bears?' it's because Emmett has an affinity for grizzly. It's really a cute idea and it's for kids.
I used to be more clever than I am these days. I used to write very interesting entries and these days I am living through my interests. This post won't be different. I just have to marvel at my former wit and wonder where it all went. It's like I've had a lobotomy. I was more fun before. I had edges. *sigh*
Today was Twilight Tuesday and Stephenie Meyer announced that she would be doing the Breaking Dawn Tour in conjunction with Justin Furstenfeld of Blue October. She will be in LA at UCLA's Royce Hall, 7 August. I am just one who doesn't learn, I wasn't so blown away with the last signing and yet I am bound and determined to go to this one. And it's more expensive too. She's really not worth it but I am compelled to go. It's like I'm a domestic violence victim and I keep going back.
I had hoped that we would get more about Twilight the movie on Twilight Tuesday. I really don't think Breaking Dawn touring dates count. I don't think I can be convinced that that was worth my full attention. You could give me Taylor Lautner and it would be better. Oh hell, I'm rarely happy on Twilight Tuesday. I like them beefy with Rob and Kristen. I have yet to have one that gave me a Kellan fix. That would be awesome. There are many Tuesdays between now and 12 Decemeber though. There is still hope. C'mon MTV, give me a Kellan Tuesday.
Last night D got me to watch some season 1 Veronica Mars. Jason Dohring is so perfect as Logan Echolls. We watched the Pilot and Credit Where Credit's Due and it was as good as I remember. We found a map with all the locations on it and there are a few that we have never seen. Maybe if we are down there in SD for Comic Con we can scope out some of the new places. New to me. I guess the fangirl in me is still die-hard. Atleast I'm not staying up all night reading Logan fanfic and stalking Jason Dohring. Although that experience made me really deluded about how celebrities react to fans. He was way too nice to us. It is too bad Moonlight got cancelled. I'm sure he'd have been at Comic Con otherwise. Okay I'm scaring myseld with where this line of thinking is going. I can only fixate on one celebrity at a time and I have to choose Rob for the time being. I say that after mooning over Kellan.
Books... they don't usually petition for restraining orders. I finished This Lullaby last night and I really liked it. I did have some minor issues with it like the time frame, it felt like things were a little rushed and that the time period given wasn't enough for the events that take place. Of course I was put out by the main character, it's not a book if I don't like the main character. The girls always drive me crazy and Remy Starr was no different. She's inflexible and pigheaded and a little too know-it-all for me. Dexter, the love interest, on the contrary, is quirky, bumbling and adorable. I don't think there was a line by his character that I didn't like. He's easily relatable and his faults aren't annoying to anyone other than Remy. I really found the pacing good up until nearing the end when there are long periods of Remy with everyone but Dexter and this was tedious. The pay off was a drop in the bucket when I wanted a deluge. It felt a bit like an afterthought. But in the end for all my complaints I did like it. It was a quick read and I really want to read Dessen's new book now. I also BookMooched How to Deal which is Someone Like you and That Summer together. I hope to read a lot more Dessen. I approve.
So after I finshed This Lullaby I started Fragile Things and so far I'm barely into it and already remembering that I hate Neil Gaiman's short stories. I just never like these compilations. I am going to try to read to page 50 and see if I don't enjoy it more but as of now I am really in hell. I like Neil Gaiman, I really do. His short stories always bore me though. I don't find them a draw like I did with Neverwhere, Good Omens, Stardust or American Gods. A part of me just thinks that there is a good reason why none of these are full books. These are the cast offs that he couldn't make work. Someone is going to be a huge Gaiman fan and feel really insulted by that, but it's how I feel and I won't apologize for not liking crappy stories. When I get a Gaiman craving I would be better off reading something I've already read than to read Smoke and Mirrors or Fragile Things.
David finished Twilight today. I don't have to censor myself so much now. He liked it and said that he understood how I could get so wrapped up in the story. He also understands the crush on Edward Cullen. Not that he has one. I don't think he does, but maybe. He equated the themes in the book to those of Roswell and Buffy. I think he really likes it and that makes me happy. He started New Moon tonight and he's already a good portion into it. And I emailed Nielle the pdf copy I have of Twilight. I asked that she read it before she read the Dark Hunter books. It's such a good book it deserves to be read.
Tomorrow is Monday which means I have therapy. Of course it's the only thing I have all week, since I don't have class this week. I have a headful of things to talk about with Dr. Moore. I know I need to discuss obsessions and fixations, my desire to runaway and my jarring reaction to being introduced yesterday as David's wife. I don't know why I felt so panicked at that. Like they were going to judge him because of me. I need to discuss it though.
