18 posts tagged “dr. moore”
Today is Sunday and as usual I am up before D and I want to be a child and jump on the bed and wake him but he has been really tired lately so I refrain. I would like to do a few chores today. Nothing much just small things. Tomorrow I have therapy and that means the day will be shot. And oh how therapy is going to be rough tomorrow. I have a shit ton of neurotic devices to bring to the table... all the downtime when Nielle was here that caused me to shut down. What's going on with Nicky. My not talking to Dr. Scott about the sleeping issues... although some of those have corrected themselves. And I see Dr. Scott this week and I never got my SMA-12 done and lithium level done. We will have to do that tomorrow morning. It looks like I will be going into work with D tomorrow.
Lightning. Apparently I can't spell the word and rather than pull me aside via phone or email and tell me about my error, Kev called me out publicly. So now I don't just look stupid publicly but I feel dumb and backwoods too. Someday I will learn to spell it without the added e.
My sister is reading Twilight. My mom said she has been taking it to school and reading it. Pip said that her friends don't think she can finish it but I told her to take it a little at a time. Maybe I should have suggested we read a chapter at a time and then talk about it. I am over the moon though that she is trying to read a book like that. I can't wait til she's older and I can have her read City of Bones. Call me a book Nazi for not wanting her to read about incest and homosexuals when she doesn't even know about sex at all. She thinks sex is your gender. She's an innocent babe and I want her to stay like that until she is 80.
D and I started playing World of Warcraft and I made my character, I am a human priestess named Alicante--from the home of the nephilim in The Mortal Instruments. It's a lot of fun. Sometimes really frustrating... like those fucking irate kobolds last night. If D and I hadn't teamed up neither of us would have completed our quest. I wanted a screen cap of my character to post but the realms are down for maintenance until 11:00. Maybe for my next post. The one thing is time really flies when playing. Like really flies. We played last night until midnight. I'm too old for that kind of behavior.
Speaking of WOW the new Guild is up and it is not the best episode. The funniest part is the intro and then the cookies part between Codex and Tink.
I haven't been a fan of James Gunn's Spike internet tv show PG Porn until this week. This week's installment is Roadside Ass-sistance and I thought it was pretty funny. Atleast funnier than the Nathan Fillion one. I find James Gunn to be a funny, a little bit creepy and all out lawless. He goes where men fear to tread. If I paid attention to my Twitter it would behoove me to follow the man.
No post would be complete without me discussing books. First let me say that last week I read all 5 Nightwalker books and only loved the first one. Jacob was awesome. I loved the characters and they showed up in the other 4 books so I was happy about that. I was most excited about Noah and I hated the heroine although I maintained my love for Noah. They were good enough. I would definitely read Jacob again. I don't know about Gideon. And switching gears I finished Demon in my View this morning and I really liked it. I did not like the first Den of Shadows book, In the Forest of the Night but I liked the character of Aubrey. He was unflinchingly evil in the first book and he gets his ass handed to him by a girl but I loved him. He is in the second book and you get to read his perspective and he's a bit softer. I was surprised when I liked it. I immediately grabbed the next book Shattered Mirror to read next. I am also reading The Vampire Academy which I am not enjoying and am determined to finish--if not slowly--for the sake that Belle loves it. I detest the main character. I find her flat out stupid and so abrasive. I think she is supposed to come across as clever but I certainly don't see it. I like two characters Dimitri and Christian. I want Dimitri to hook up with Rose and I've been spoiled and heard that one of her teachers develops feelings for her and it can only be him. I don't see a YA book taking it to where I would like to see with a 25yo and a girl,17. I like Christian and here that Rose is a cunt to him and lies to him about Lissa. Yep, I hate her. Oh, and I like Mason. He's adorable and I like the dynamic between him and Rose. I want to like this book. I want to.
Yesterday in therapy I talked with Dr. Moore about my inability to access more emotions besides anger and fear. I would like to feel sadness. To cry. I would like to feel happiness that isn't hypomania. I would like to feel sublime. My days are marked by an absence of these emotions with blips of high or low energy... with flares of anger or anxiety and I want to create but there is just nothing in me. It's like my soul is dead and my body is just moving around. Dr. Moore said it is probably the meds. She doesn't know how I can access what the meds are suppressing. With the bad things that meds are keeping at bay they took the good stuff too. And the pills aren't even keeping me level. If I told my psychiatrist that he'd increase them again and I want fewer pills not more.
I had therapy yesterday and we talked about something that I am starting to feel terribly bad about and it's not very funny although for a while I was laughing about it. Dr. Moore made me realize how wrong I was to share the thought and now I just don't know how to take off the table. I think I'm going to avoid it and see if it won't go away. She'd be really proud of me taking that route too. Damn, what a mess.
Thursday night D and I are going to the Staples Center to see the Ducks play the Kings. Go Anze and Raitis. I would like to be able to stay up the entire game. We'll have to try it out as a new thing. There is just something embarassing about falling asleep at a sporting event. A year ago I would have been all for the Ducks but then they traded Andy. I have man-loyality. And Teemu and Beauchmin aren't playing. It leaves little to be excited about. Hell, they don't even have Bertuzzi for me to be excited about someone hitting. But it will be a good game. We will have fun.
Yesterday was a day full of surprises. I wore my green sweater with my green converse. They aren't grass green, more of a gem colour and it looked really good. It isn't often that I like what I wear. So it was a good start. I went to the bookstore to get Faefever and found Lord of Misrule was out on the shelves early. I whooped and jumped up and down. I have little self respect when it comes to books. I haven't started it yet but I plan to start it today. Oh where for art thou, Shane? I went to a hockey game. Kings vs. Flyers at the Staples Center. I found myself routing for the Flyers... and that is just not acceptable. I have never liked Philadelphia. Even when Mclaughlin was making me watch every game. But I do like Braydon Coburn and D has Scott Hartnell on his fantasy hockey team. It was a hard hitting game. I imagine they will be feeling it today. Although the Kings won in the end, I didn't see it because I fell asleep on D's shoulder and we left early. Hopefully I'll have a better time of it this Thursday when we go to see the Ducks play. I can route for the Kings that game. I never have gotten over them trading Andy McDonald.
I'm of half the mind to watch some TV today. This is highly unusual. I have the gym today so anything I would want to watch gets cut into by that. And then we are going to go and meet Jamie in LBC for some Indian. By then this idea will have burned off. Tomorrow I'm meeting Nicky online at 11:30 so it is out then too. Then I have Dr. Moore. I have plans to read Lord of Misrule sometime in the next 24 hours too so that leaves me really short on time. But I have Sinchornicity, which D found for me and Lost in Austen. D is going to have Hex come through on Netflix this week. I will have to readjust my mental thinking to work on this.
New Years Resolutions!!
I made a few... alright more than a couple. I was generous with my resolve and not doing so great on a few of them. But I will list them here so that I can look back and know which ones I need to work on.
- Go to the gym three times a week. 3 hours cardio and 1.5 weight training.
- Lose 15 lbs and keep it of.
- Be more mindful of my hygiene.
- Do something social each week.
- Read 5 books a week.
- Walk more.
- Clean the house one a month.
- Keep on top of the kitty litter.
- To let my hair grow. No cutting it.
Today is a therapy day and I am listening to my playlist and I should be getting ready. I'm going to be late but since I don't think I'm going to eat today it shouldn't be a problem. Although the bus will still be ugly. I have a few things to talk about. The main one is this general back slide I'm doing. D has even taken notice of it. I mean I'm not doing bad. Just all the sudden I've started losing ground. No more progress. Maybe that is natural. We can't always move forward. Only sharks keep moving and I'm more of feline. And with that I should really be going.
Yesterday was really nice. Susie, Belle and I went to The Grove for lunch and shopping. Other than books, I got a new top and some underthings from the Gap. I saw so many things there that I covet and would like to have. Also they had a picture on the wall that was Sean Avery. I was suprised. Sean Avery never struck me as a Gap guy. After the mall we came back to the apartment for a bed party. We hung out and Belle and I discussed books and Susie started reading my Gossip Girl book. She said it is pretty different from the show and when they had to go she asked to borrow it to finish it so it must be compelling. It was nice to see them and I think it fulfills Dr. Moore's edict of more socializing less isolating. We might even see them on Sunday, they might come to the Getty with us. Maybe we will go to the zoo instead.
So, onto real life. And I really don't tend to talk too much about me on here but maybe I should. When I was in therapy yesterday, I expressed this general feeling of distress and unbalance that I've been feeling lately. Dr. Moore mentioned the fact that for the last few weeks I was isolating more. I mentioned reading more. Her thought is that I'm not socializing enough and if I do it will help me feel like things are happening and I won't have time to think so much. She said isolating breeds the kinds of feelings I'm having. So this week I'm going to see Belle at some point and D and I talked about going to the Getty over the weekend. Of course two days in a row of doing something will make me isolate for a week. I wish it got easier. It just seems to get harder the more steps I make.
Today was my 2nd year anniversary. D took me out for lunch, to Taco Bell.:) And I had a minor heart attack from a phone call from Dr. Moore while on my way to see Dr. Scott. My appointment went well and I don't have to go back for a month. I went back to D's office with him and read while he went about his duties. Then came home late and I just put turkey breasts in the oven for him while he went to the gym. My one disappointment was that I really had wanted flowers for my anniversary but it's okay. I got San Diego so what am I disappointed about?
I did finish You Suck: A Love Story and I didn't find the last 150 pages as hard to read as I had feared. I loved the part with the Animals, a group of guys who were Tommy's friends from the Safeway he had worked at. And Abby and Foo Dog had some parts that made me laugh. So I've read 2 of my 20 in 20 and I am feeling good about it so far. I am feeling a bit leery about what I'm going to read next week. It's a shame that Tithe hadn't been one of the books on my list since it left me with a good feeling about reading and this book a not so good feeling. I'm scared I'm going to pick the smallest book on the list just so I can read it fast and be done with it. I will come to that bridge on Sunday.
I think in my future is some tv watching and I am so shamefully resistant to it. I, unlike the world, did not watch 90210 last night and I have not yet tasted it's badness. I did here from Erin Whipple that Kellan is in it so I am determined to was the horribleness no matter what. What I will do for my Kellan Lutz love. And we just got The Outsiders from Netflix today. D has never seen it, to which I am appalled. So we are going to educate him. The TV season starting is just going to mean more hours I won't be reading and that might balance me some but I declare now that I will resent it. Especially since there are more shows that I want to watch this year. Maybe I will make Saturday TV day. It shouldn't interfere that much with hockey. I shouldn't die if one day I don't read. If it flows into more than one day I'm bound to be pissy and some episodes will just be culled for the better good. It would all be easier if TV season and hockey season didn't occur at the same time.
But in my immediate future is the cooking of turkey breasts and the reading of a book I've already read once and may not need reading again, but is being read for an indulgence. I don't indulge in reading books I've read so much anymore with all the unread books I have. But this week's plan was already shot to hell by me reading all the Holly Black books and not the ones I picked out. Maybe the planning of books is just a fool's thought. Anyway... I'm thinking it's time to bring tonight to it's end soon.
In the meantime I read Rhonda Nelson's The Player this morning and I think the series makes so much more sense now that I read the first book. I had read the second book, The Specialist, first and it was okay but it refers back to Audrey and Jamie and I didn't know enough about their story to get the subtleties. So now I am on top of it and I really liked Jamie and Audrey. I don't know if it was reading it and filling in the gaps or what but I think I liked them better than Payne and Emma, from the second book. Maybe I should reread it again before moving on to Guy's story in The Maverick. I guess reading either of them is better than reading You Suck at this point.
There has been much goings on in the Twilight-verse the last few weeks. The Midnight Sun leak that got Stephenie Meyer reacting like a drama queen and punishing all her fans for the betrayal of someone close to her. I think
I got to talk to someone yesterday who is bipolar but is managing without meds and it had the oddest effect of longing and despair in me. My experience is that I need meds to manage. I lose control to easily and go right down the drain. Not to mention I get the longest spells of depression and mania. A month of either and I'm disfunctioning. I see Dr. Scott today and I plan to mention to him my reaction although Dr. Moore is more likely to have me understand it. I don't see her until next Monday. Silly little thing to let get under my skin. I need to read and forget it all. This is who I am and I need to stop letting these little things interfere with me being whole again. Just throwing debris in the minefield.
I just had the nicest Rob Pattinson dream. He was stranded with Susan, Belle, another 2 girls and I and we were walking these streets. It was someone's birthday and Rob took this book home with him and he made the girl a birthday present. It had pictures of him and facts about him in it. The last fact was that he wished he made more money per film. Belle called him on it and he blushed. I told him the dates of my birthday as well as Belle's and he laughed. Just as I asked him how we could contact him in the future I woke up and that was so disappointing. I really would have liked hearing how to contact him. I don't care that it was a dream. It was a good dream. My birthday is 9 October and I would love it if Rob was there for it. I wouldn't mind dreaming more dreams with him in the starring role. Nope the day started really nicely.
Today is the Stephenie Meyer signing and concert and I am a little anxious about it. I know it's assembly line and that you don't really get to talk with her. That all disappoints me. But I guess that is what you can expect when someone becomes a bookstar. I don't really care at all about Justin Furstenfeld, I'm not a Blue October fan. But I will get my book signed and all will be better with the world. Right?
I was on Lion & Lamb the other day and came across pictures of Rachelle Lefevre and Ashley Green from H magazine. Since I totally have a crush on Rachelle I had to steal the pictures to post here. I think she looks fabulous in these pics. She's so sexy and beautiful. *sigh* I think the only thing better than a picture of her is watching an interview of her or a video of her acting. She is so put together and eloquent. Yay for Rachelle. One day I hope to meet her and then I will tell her how much I adore her. In a nonscary, non socially idiotic way.
I started Acheron and I have read 156 pages and I have to hand it to Sherri the beginning of the book is dark, twisted, sickening, sad and makes you want to die. And this is all still back story we haven't even got to present times, I'm on December 11, 9529 BC. I feel pity for Acheron, something I have never felt before. I need the back story to be over soon though. I don't know how much more pain, suffering, humiliation and hatefulness I can continue to read. D says he is looking forward to reading this book because it wraps up the Acheron arc. After this book the arc will be Jaden's and I am looking forward to that. I don't think Acheron ever peaked my curiosity like he was supposed to. Jaden definitely has. Jaden... Jaden equals yummy.
I went to the doctor yesterday. I told him that the Neurontin works to make me fall asleep and he told me I should start taking it every night. So I am officially up to 8 pills a day. That seems like an awful lot to me but maybe I'm looking at the wrong things. I should concentrate on the fact that it is all helping me and forget about the details. I'm just glad that the Neurontin isn't causing horrible side effects. It's better than the Abilify, Lamictal, Clozapine, Xyprexa, Topamax, Zoloft, and the others. And D and I came to a decision about staying with Dr. Scott. Since D is changing jobs and his insurance won't be the same... We are going to stay with him and pay out of pocket. Use all my visits that we will have through the plan to see Dr. Moore. It's an imperfect plan but I don't have to start getting ready to start over so I really like it.
few days ago I got a box of things together for my sister. I got her two Gwen Stefani dolls at Comic Con. A book called Avalon. A few magnets from the zoo and some little things. I forgot to include a note but she probably won't miss it. Iam trying to let her know that I haven't forgotten her. She is so sad at home. And I've heard how mean my mother is to her on the phone. I just want her to feel loved for a few minutes. I don't think that gifts are going to change her circumstance but I figure that they can't hurt. Of course my mom could take away the dolls and never let my sister open them like she has done with several of the barbies I've sent. It's jus so hard to find a happy medium where I can do the right thing and make every one happy. I miss my sister like crazy and wish I could go see her but I'm still not cleared to travel on my own. If I could I would go home in a second. I don't care that I would be sleeping on the floor of her room.
