I'd die for him

Thursday night D and I went to see the Kings play the Ducks at the Staples Center. For once I routed for the Kings. I got to cheer when Kopi scored and everything. It was enlightening. Although I have to admit I fell in love a little with a Duck named Bobby Ryan-- who scored a hat trick that night. Lovely hands, exceptional feet--he's the complete package. If D hadn't picked him up for his team, I'd have taken him for mine. I don't like watching the Ducks but I will happily do so to see him. Exceptional! As for Kopi, I get to see him again on Monday.

I finished Sunshine today. I really loved Constantine but I'm not sure that I loved the end of his story. As for Sunshine. She was the equivalent of dry bread for the majority of the book. All she talked about was cinnamon rolls and baking and it got old realy quickly. I did love that it changed her towards the end but it was a little too late for me.Spoiler: I didn't like that she was on the fence about Con for so fucking long. I would have liked if she had slept with him and then dealt with it. Still despite me not liking the writing style which was dispersed with tangents and notes, I don't think I will mooch the book. At some point I may feel the need to read it again-- while skimming heavily the points with the SOF and Mel, whom I didn't like for the sake of him being in the way of the story I wanted to read. I still think that story is there. Spoiler: You don't end the book with them not being able to be apart from one another if you don't expect to go to that place. I give the book 3 out of 5 stars for the style but a 4 for the story itself. But don't believe any of the accolades on the back of the book... they don't really apply. There isn't romance in the book really at all, and fans of Buffy will just be confused.

I started a Blaze book today. I haven't read any in weeks and I figured it would be good to recalibrate with something of normal contemporary romance. Of course what I piced is a time travel story, but, hey. I think I will get a little feeling of accomplishment from working on the Blaze pile at all. Although I was just remembered that I would like to read Wondrous Strange as soon as possible so I will have to rush through this.

There are times when I become very aware that I don't have feelings or passions anymore, with the exception of reading which is more of a desperation. I desperately want to have some guiding inclination. Something that makes me feel like something other than a shell. I haven't cried since I was in the hospital. I just have no sense of poignancy at all. I want something to matter rather than all these silly obsessive/compulsive rituals. I don't even know where they are rooted in. Dr. Moore says it's anxiety, but most days I can't even work up to anxiety. My prevailing feelings are ones of tiredness and energy. But I want to feel like things have weight. Like I love things. Like I have love for things in this world beyond books and a hand bag. Don't get me wrong, my hand bag rocks but it's a limit to my adoration for the world, whereas I want a limitless feeling. I want to touch the world again and not feel as if it is a lifetime away. I think it's why I am so attached to Twilight because I feel so strongly about it. I love it and it almost feels real.

My grandmother died September 9, 1996 and her grave set unmarked by more than an angel ceramic for a long time. Last summer my mom bought the marker and I was so relieved that she finally had a stone that I asked for photo proof. It took a while for my mom to send the pic but she did and I love it. It's weird because I have strong feelings and I don't want to be buried but my grandmother was and my grandfather wants to be cremated. I wonder how they will rest being apart. Which is silly. I don't believe in an after life so that is just a ludicrous thought. It just bothers me that they won't lie together. They seemed inseperable until she died. Death is so weird. I fear it like nothing else. It's like a spector hanging over me. I don't want to be apart from D and it looms like darkness which I won't be able to escape. It gives me chills.

On to happier thoughts. In KMM's Fever series Rocky O'Bannion drives a Maybach, which I have come to learn is simply a gorgeous, insanely expensive car. It has reclining back seats and a rear refrigerator. It is the height of German luxury car production. It's not the fastest car though. It accelerates from 0-60 in 5.4 seconds so the Bugatti would win hands down in a race but the Maybach is still beautiful.

I wanted to go and see Possession this week but it proves difficult as it's not being shown anywhere in LA. I am going out on a limb here and saying it's being released maybe next week and Fandango has the wrong date or something to that effect. Either way, I'm not seeing it this week and I will have to wait until it is out to see it in LA. I asked D to take me to see Twilight. I don't know if he will or not. We will see.